I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
