If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
