so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
