The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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