Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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