This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
