nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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