I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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