I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
