I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
