shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
