my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
