You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
