if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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