It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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