i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
