just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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