im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have post one night stand depression
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
