You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
