Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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