the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
