My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
