what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
