this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
