He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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