listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
