The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Operation Purity has been aborted
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
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