I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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