our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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