apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
