Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
