I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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