I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
