she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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