This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
