Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
