I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
