I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
