Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
