I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
well most of my day revolves around power hour
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
