Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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