I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
