Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
