Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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