I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
