I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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