Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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