Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
