I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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