***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I lost the right to judge tonight
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
