it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
